His Mercy Endures Forever

I woke up early enough to watch the sunrise down by the lake, to bask in the beauty that had been happening, and to continue to try to make sense of it all. I love the Canticle of Zechariah and its imagery of sunrise made it ideal to pray with - that we might be free to worship Him without fear - was especially prevalent. I kept asking God to confirm all the beauty that He had been doing and He kept reminding me to test it by its fruit. Among other fruits, I found that the prayer of detachment in one of the praise songs that we sing: Holy Fire, burn away my desire for anything that is not of You and is of me, I want more of You and less of me had become natural and free.

At Mass, Fr. preached about mercy - that forgiveness is only a small part of mercy, that mercy actually means so much more and could be defined as - giving more than is deserved. I was reminded of a line from earlier in retreat and a new emphasis emerged - it is only because of sin that mercy hurts. Once we have surrendered ourselves humbly and trustingly to the Father, mercy is the most beautiful, freeing, and joyful thing.

After Mass I prayed with the Finding in the Temple in Luke 2. Of the series of scenes in this passage, the one that stuck with me the most was a side effect of the way I had set the scene. I (continuing to be Mary for the same reason) was dancing with Joseph and the child Jesus (about the age of my youngest brother) came and danced with us. It became a lovely image of the order of loves and what it looks like to love Christ the most.

I went for another ramble through the woods, then down by the lake. I stopped to sit on a large rock that was just inside the edge of the water. I asked once again my Father to tell me a story. This time, He asked me instead to tell Him my story. It was a beautiful opportunity to reflect, once again, on all He has done in my life but with new insight and delight.

Continuing on, I eventually made it to the hillside where yesterday I had had the bout with fear. I was afraid to go back, but determined to do so. As I wrestled with what had happened there, it finally became clear that what had happened was a much older and bigger problem. For much longer than I had realized, I had been allowing my identity lies and lack of self worth to distort my expectation of what it meant to be loved by the Father. Without realizing it, I had seen Him as seeing me as mediocre and not worth His time (and yes, I absolutely do realize how ridiculous this is, but it also is what happened). And this perception had led me to subconsciously believe that at some point, following Him or being too good of a Christian would leave me empty and alone. This may sound absurd to you, but it had subtly crept in and solidly established itself. Now that I had called it out for what it was, I could see its absurdity and my whole world turned upside down or rather right-side up. I sang I See the Light to Him, from both Rapunzel and Eugene's perspectives and it was true. I walked back still reeling from all the consequences this lie had had on me, trying to process, but also simply rejoicing in the restoration of truth to my perspective. His Great mercy is that He wants us to be happy, Sin is trying to be happy with lesser goods. So of course sin makes mercy hurt. Because God cannot give us happiness apart from Himself. There is no such thing.

Before direction, I prayed with the Hidden Years (Luke 2:51:52) which is an absolutely lovely meditation to enter into. I continued to be Mary and she continued to teach me how to be her - how to be a bride like every woman is called to be and how to wear the golden raiment of a daughter of the Most High. Father, grant that I may see myself as You see me.

After direction, I prayed with the beautiful Psalm 45, because the raiment of gold was becoming an increasingly important theme for me. "The gold robes are made of your desires. They are to remind you that you are good and I love you. Don't let yourself believe the wrong definition of love again." When I told Him that I was worried about falling back into my old habits as soon as I left retreat, we played 'true or false' so that I could practice remembering the truth I had been steeped in here.

The conference was on the Suscipe prayer of St. Ignatius:

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me. To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will. Give me only your love and your grace, that is enough for me.

and on how, by praying it, we are imitating our extravagantly generous King and also beginning to enter into the eternal exchange of Love.

My last Holy Hour for the night was on the Baptism in the Jordan. I had prayed with that scene several times in the last month or so and had been taught to hear the words of the Father for the Son "this is My beloved Son" as also applying to me and thereby to be a reminder of my identity in Him.

When the passage had played out, I went to go sit on the bank of the river (still in the scene). Jesus flopped down on the bank beside me and said (referring to my identity as the beloved daughter of the Father)"True or false, you're still having trouble believing it."

"True" We talked at length and I was consoled, encouraged and ready to take on the world.

#EightDay2017 #Mercy #Sunlight